Persecution

Hello All!
Sorry for the late posting-I feel like I say that many times! haha

Today I needed to get something off of my chest...

A few weeks ago I woke up on a sunday morning to get ready to go to Mass. I rolled over to check my phone and I saw that I had missed a call and had a voicemail. I first look to check and see who the call was from and it read "private number", so I called my voicemail to listen to the message. I dont want to quote the message word for word because of the offensive nature, but I will give you the jist of what the message said.

The message went on with lots of profanity, talking about how whoever this person was who left the voicemail, had apparently had sex with many people that current night. This person procceeded to make my faith into a sexual reference, using things like "Hail Mary & Bless Me" in sexual ways, which still to this day irritate me.

I have no idea who left this voicemail and there was nothing my wireless provider Verizon would do about it sadly.

It was really hard to hear and listen to. Also to think that people would attack me in such ways. Eventually I have turned this into a postive. Looking at the fact that the Bible says:

 "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:10

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me" Matthew 5:11

Reading things like this remind me that I am blessed because I have been persecuted because of Him, but in all honesty, there is nothing else I'd rather be persecuted for :)

God Bless,
Ashley

Picture Update! :)

Our First Miss. Monticello Event!

Name Tag!

Tassel!

Mom, Me, & Dad at Church Graduation Mass

Self Defense

Elise, Me & Erica after my last MHS Choir Concert



White Rose Waltz 2011

Hey All! Goodness I have been MIA! Here are some pictures from the White Rose Waltz 2011 :)
God Bless,

Ashley

Upate In Picture Form!

What I am trying to discover..

Hello All!!!

Something that i have been trying to discover through counseling is why I really never take care of myself or love me for me. I am always taking care of others, and in all honesty I'd rather do that!!! But through counseling it is really starting to change my perspective. I am starting to see that I am worth taking care of and loving, as well as letting other people love and take care of me.

My Goals that my counselor and I listed are:

1. Take Care Of Myself

• To know I have accomplished this is: That i can feel better about myself, and I dont let people walk on me anymore.

1. Love Myself for Who I am

• To know I have accomplished this is: to be able to accept compliments, and surround myself with people who truly care about me.

I cannot wait to become stronger and a more positive person! :) Please keep praying!!!
Now I want to leave you with something I wrote when I was searching for confidence and trying to show people how to be confident as well as my struggle with guys, oh goodness how young i was ;) This was from 2008 :) & dont worry, I now know I dont need a man, only one big and mighty one :)

2008


.by Ashley Walz on Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:05pm.After every year goes by things seem to get a little better. At the same time, the things that you don't think will ever happen to you do...

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

That is basically the truth. Things get tough and i catch myself wondering "What did i do to have this happen to me?!" and i tend to get upset, sad, and angry all at the same time. Honestly im not sure how to deal with it. All the things i hold up inside seem to go away, but some how, different things give me and unwanted flash back of the past.



Another thing that i have learned is that you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. It was something for awhile i didn't realize. I was going after that attention and i would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was making me feel that dating someone new all of a sudden wasn't a good thing. And you know why that is? Its because i didn't love myself. I wanted someone to fill that part of me, instead of doing it on my own. I thought i can do this.. but in the end i really couldn't i wasn't strong enough. I was so lost and so hurt. I have been the attention of a few guys in the past few months since i ended my previous relationship in the end of August. All of those guys were wonderful absolutely wonderful and i am so thankful for them.



About 2 weeks ago i was texting this guy, he was a good friend of one of my friends and she had set us up. He and I were both falling for each other and wanted to be together. Until one day out of the blue he txt me and said that he is going to be a dad, his ex girlfriend is pregnant. That was a huge huge slap in the face...... All i could think was wow... just wow... could things get any worse?



I met another amazing guy at the homecoming football game by total surprise. He was everything i was looking for... nice, sweet, caring, and i could go on, haha not to forget cute either. :D I thought oh yeah he is going to be the guy thats gonna love me, i can feel it. We talked for weeks, and he asked me out. Thats when i froze. And then came the gut feeling.



Why was this happening to me? I would ask myself. Because i didnt love myself! I wanted someone else to love me so then MAYBE i could love myself. I was SOOOO wrong!

Because you know what? GOD LOVES ME! Just the way i am. And he doesnt want me to change he just wants me to be me. He knows i will mess up, but he forgives. He knows i will wander far way, but yet he will lead me back to him.



I have been struggling lately finding God, but now i realize, he was always there, and he always will be. Even when things go bad, its all in his plan. And whatever he wants me to do, im gonna do it. Because his will is the best way. He puts people in my life for certain reasons, good or bad. And you know i am starting to be thankful for that. For that unconditional love.

So me searching for someone to love me will come with time, because God will bring him to me. I cant be out searching. My awesome youth minister told me, "Let God write your love story". And im gonna listen to that will all my heart, mind and soul. In 2009 God is going to be the center of my life, then i will have nothing to fear with the lord by my side.

God Bless,
Ashley

So much is happening!

Hello all!!
I am so sorry for my absence on this blog, but man life is busy.... Forgive me but I need to jump back into where I left off...

Counseling is going great, yes it is emotionally draining, but all of this stuff is something I have dealt with my entire life, so its not shocking all of the draining that is happening. What has really come out through my appointments is that there is only one true reason that these things are happening, and its because I am trying to fill a void, the void of not knowing that my dad really cared about me-and much more. I have always just tried to keep pushing through, like its no big deal, I'll just live with it and forget it, but for me, I cant seem to let it go because it is continuously effecting me in aspects of my life. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that my dad would actually take responsibility for all the things that have happened in my life and try to work on them.... but I was WAY wrong.

Out of the blue dad and I just started talking and eventually all of it just came out....How he was sorry for doing all of that stuff to me. How he was sorry that he was the reason all of these guys have done things to me, because i was searching for some validation. & It went on and on and on... It was unbelievable!!! I couldnt believe it and it truly gives me hope that my dad and my relationship will get better with time. Its like he now see's it. No matter all that mom tried to tell him back when I was little, something just clicked. Its a wonderful answer to my prayers and I could not believe that all of it was happening! He wants to be a better dad which is something that i have always wanted and I am so blessed and I thank God for his leading hand in all of this. It was to the point that I gave it all to Him and look what he did with it :)

Please keep praying, right now I find this a crucial time for my dad and I, I can only hope that things will improve!,
God Bless,
Ashley

Just Found This...

Wow.... I was looking through things I have written on my facebook page from when I first joined facebook, this is something I wrote after I broke of a negative relationship..... Look at me! :)

Things I have realized


Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 7:21pm.Hey everyone! I just thought i would talk about something that i just realized. If you believe in something then you should stand up for it and not let anyone alter what you believe. What is important to you should be important to the people around you and the people you associate yourself with. So..... be strong, be smart, and follow your heart!

Isnt it amazing how I still felt the same way, but yet it is so hard to act on it?!
This definately goes to show when my change in my faith took place!! :)
 God Bless,
Ashley
.

A Teenager's View Of Heaven

Hello All! :)
I was sent this and it truly made me think of all the things I do.... worth the read! :)
God Bless,
Ashley





17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em, " he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last.




Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.



The Moores framed a copy of Biran's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."



Brian's essay: The Room...



In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingley endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.



This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.



A file named "Friends" was next to the one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I have read, Lies I have told, comfort I have given, jokes I have laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I have done in my anger, things I have muttered under my breath at my parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.



Often there were many more cards than i expected. Sometims fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.



When I pulled out the file marked "TV shows I have watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, adn yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time i knew that file represented.



When I came to a file marked "lustful thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddreed at its detailed content.



I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One throught dominated in my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as tsteel when i tried to tear it.



Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.



And then I saw it...The title bore "People I have shared the Gospel with." The handle was brighter than those around it, seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.



And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw HIM.



No, please not HIM. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.



He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.



Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back..He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.



He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Facing My Fear's Update

Hello all!!
So I have decided to not really let anything stand in my way of blogging what I feel & my thoughts. Heck, Its MY blog.... I recieved a comment on my last post that made me second guess my blog and how I portrayed things. After re-reading my post and the comment I realized that I wasnt trying to down anyone or anything, and I feel that I didnt do that in my post at all. I understand that everyone has their own opinion, so instead of arguing I feel the need to pray for the person who commented, no hard feelings or anything, just wishing everyone to have peace :) Now saying that, it definately is hard, but heck I need to be honest with myself as well. So please give me in your prayers as I continue to be honest with myself.

From past posts you all have known that I have had to dig deep and find my way to counseling. Well I did have my first appt and I posted that on here but I really havent been posting too much about it because it was really hard to put into words.

Well last week I made a huge breakthrough. My counselor and I were listing out things that have hurt me and made me feel inadequate and non deserving and then we started listing people who have tributed to that.... & it was an all male list. I looked at the list and teared up because i never realized that I have always been trying to fill that void of not having a father daughter relationship growing up, and in turn with a lot of these issues I have been trying to find the "love" of a guy or a male friend. With most of them... it has ended up hurting me completely. Especailly this past summer.
I am working on not trying and trying to fill the void with guys. Not in a sexual or physical sense-nor has it never been but i long for that emotional connection and love.
What i really want to work on is letting God fully fill that void, and along with his son Jesus, be the only men I will ALWAYS depend on.

Please keep me in your prayers....this is a hard time for me.
God Bless,
Ashley

Third Day Children Of God

New Favorite Song :)

Thankful for Friends-Tribute Speech

This is a speech that I wrote for my Interpersonal Class final :)

After having one of the most amazing faith-filled experiences of my life for two weeks the summer before my junior year, this lead me to make life-long friendships with amazing people, no matter how far apart we all live. But throughout this experience one girl touched my heart. Her name is Kristi Taraba and she is from Rochester, Minnesota. Sadly this means that 130 miles are standing in our way, so we cannot see each other as much as we would like but yet we still maintain the relationship that we started at YTM/”God Camp”. The no matter how far apart we may be I know deep in my heart that she loves me, and I love her just the same. During our time together that summer at St. Johns University for this camp, an incredible friendship was formed instantly and I cannot even try to describe what happened during those two weeks but from what I can fathom, it was AMAZING. Kristi and I both really didn’t know what to expect at this camp, lovingly refered to as “God Camp”, but after a few days we found that we were always together, and it felt like we had known each other for many, many years.




We all go through hard times but it is really how we deal with them and who we surround ourselves with that really helps us through. I cannot begin to count the number of times Kristi has done that for me, even if we are going through the same thing and even with the things we have had to endure together. It has stretched from a simple “thinking of you” text message to inviting me to a MercyMe & Jeremy Camp concert at the State Fair and squealing when we see each other, as we run to give each other a huge hug. She is always there, a phone call or text message away, she lifts me up with words of encouragement, small gestures and continuous compliments. Some day’s I really wonder what I ever did to deserve to call an amazing young woman like her, one of my best friends.







High school can definitely be a rough time, but isn’t it truly interesting that the things that we have to deal with in life always seem so difficult, but after the fact we realize that God really gave us all the help we need, in the form of “angels”, and I call mine Kristi. It never ceases to amaze me how at the drop of a hat she is always there for me, no matter what time, day or night she is there, even if it is just to chat. She knows me so well and loves me for who I am. Kristi continuously strives to make me believe in myself and my abilities, and also to love myself for who I am, for that I truly thank her.



This angel has done so much for me, just by being a true friend. Someone I can rely on, and count on when the going gets tough and all the days in between. Kristi has made me grow and realize things that I never thought I could, she made me spread my wings and fly to places I never thought I would be able to be. Now I cannot wait to watch her spread her wings, more than she already has, and fly.

Ecumenism

Hello All!!
With request by a friend of mine & it is something that I definately come to face daily and I want to thank Jessie for giving me a little push to write this blog!

Jessie's Facebook post to me:
"I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on ecumenism and how you dialogue with people who might not believe the same things as you. That was always a challenge for me in high school, and I know it's something that a lot of young Catholics d...eal with.

Happy blogging! :D"

Ecumenism: now mainly refers to initiatives aimed at greater religious unity or cooperation

In all honesty it is one of the hardest things to be a Christian in Public School, let alone a devoute Catholic. Many people dont believe at all, and shy away from people who proclaim The Word Of God.
I have many friends that are of different denominations and it is something that it a very "touchy" subject, because no one wants to step on the other's toes. But for me it is definately hard because I try my best not to do this but it happens, I take any attack on the Catholic Church or anything against it to heart. Its hurtful because its my "home" my "base", but I try my best to defend the faith in a respectful but honest way. Actually I end up finding myself praying through the conversation with the person and asking for God's wisdom through it.

The Gospel reading at Masses this weekend was....

"I urge you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

that all of you agree in what you say,
and that there be no divisions among you,
but that you be united in the same mind and in the same purpose.
For it has been reported to me about you, my brothers and sisters,
by Chloe’s people, that there are rivalries among you.
I mean that each of you is saying,
“I belong to Paul,” or “I belong to Apollos,”
or “I belong to Cephas,” or “I belong to Christ.”
Is Christ divided?
Was Paul crucified for you?
Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?
For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel,
and not with the wisdom of human eloquence,
so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its meaning."

God didnt mean for all of this division. It was Man who did not "like"/"agree" with the Church's Teachings and changed them for themselves to fit what they wanted. Upon this rock I will build my church is in the Bible, right in Peter :)

In all, it is super hard to "fight"/"defend" what you believe in. But it is sooo worth it! :)
God Bless,
Ashley

New Branch & Update

Hello All!!!
Soooooo you have all read my posts about my self image and weight issues...well now i am going to hold myself accountable like i did with the counseling topic. Sooo i created a branch off of this blog....please visit http://www.becomingwhoiammadetobe.blogspot.com/.

Update.....

So i have had two counseling appt's and I adore my counselor! She is so sweet and helpful!!!!! I am happy and blessed to have so many wonderful supporters and amazing friends and family! Please continue to pray as throughout this whole process i have realized how much I have held in, that needs work. I cannot wait to be happier :)

God Bless,
Ashley