Sorry i have been gone...life is insane.... between working 2 jobs, school, youth ministry internship, church events, family, friends, babysitting & senior year, im surprised i havent gone insane yet! :)
But tonight I feel that i need to release something to all of you, as a release for myself & my way of asking for help, making this post something that my readers can hold me accountable for-dont worry I will explain...
This blog is meant to coninside with the blog i had written a few months ago.... If you havent read it yet please read it first, it will help things make more sense. Click
here to go to the page.
For a good month or so I thought I had defeated the battle within myself... like I was able to deal with the demons that followed me, and I could do it all by myself. No talking about it, No counseling, i just felt it was done and I would be fine. Time heals our wounds right? Now I look back and think...man im an idiot..
Lately I have been having dreams about "him", with him trying to contact me, and going after me. For a few nights I would wake up in tears and was/still am so afraid. Also when i was skyping with an AMAZING guy friend of mine who had no idea about the situation and saw that "he" was online and wanted to make it a 3 way chat & i flipped out at him.... Fighting tears I just repeated.."Alex no i cant, please dont, just dont, just dont." It all came flooding back and he had absolutely no idea what was going on with me and was super worried. Alex felt horrible and i ened up spilling my guts to him about the situation...he was completely taken back and felt horrible that it was something i had to deal with.
During that time and for the rest of the night I was quiet and really withdrawn... my mind just kept replaying all the events that took place over and over in my head. Thats when everything started to spin out of control, I felt like it was my fault & I didnt know what to do. Its like i was back to square one.
Now i have realized that no matter how much the pain hurts, how much failure i feel for not being able to handle this myself, no matter how embarrassed I am.... I need to make my first counseling appt...ASAP...
Please keep me in your prayers as I do this and I need to be held to it. Its hard for me to say all of this but hey, this is my outlet, and I want to thank all of my readers for their support & please keep it up.
God and I have been drifting off and on, but he is the rock i need to cling to and I know that. I just need the will and dicipline. Please keep me in your prayers about that too...
God Bless,
Ashley
My Car = FROZEN
One Frame of my Glasses was fogged up!
Walkin IN a Winter Puppy Land :)
