February 22, 2011

What I am trying to discover..

Hello All!!!

Something that i have been trying to discover through counseling is why I really never take care of myself or love me for me. I am always taking care of others, and in all honesty I'd rather do that!!! But through counseling it is really starting to change my perspective. I am starting to see that I am worth taking care of and loving, as well as letting other people love and take care of me.

My Goals that my counselor and I listed are:
  1. Take Care Of Myself
  • To know I have accomplished this is: That i can feel better about myself, and I dont let people walk on me anymore.
  1. Love Myself for Who I am
  • To know I have accomplished this is: to be able to accept compliments, and surround myself with people who truly care about me.
I cannot wait to become stronger and a more positive person! :) Please keep praying!!!
Now I want to leave you with something I wrote when I was searching for confidence and trying to show people how to be confident as well as my struggle with guys, oh goodness how young i was ;) This was from 2008 :) & dont worry, I now know I dont need a man, only one big and mighty one :)

2008


.by Ashley Walz on Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:05pm.After every year goes by things seem to get a little better. At the same time, the things that you don't think will ever happen to you do...

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

That is basically the truth. Things get tough and i catch myself wondering "What did i do to have this happen to me?!" and i tend to get upset, sad, and angry all at the same time. Honestly im not sure how to deal with it. All the things i hold up inside seem to go away, but some how, different things give me and unwanted flash back of the past.



Another thing that i have learned is that you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. It was something for awhile i didn't realize. I was going after that attention and i would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was making me feel that dating someone new all of a sudden wasn't a good thing. And you know why that is? Its because i didn't love myself. I wanted someone to fill that part of me, instead of doing it on my own. I thought i can do this.. but in the end i really couldn't i wasn't strong enough. I was so lost and so hurt. I have been the attention of a few guys in the past few months since i ended my previous relationship in the end of August. All of those guys were wonderful absolutely wonderful and i am so thankful for them.



About 2 weeks ago i was texting this guy, he was a good friend of one of my friends and she had set us up. He and I were both falling for each other and wanted to be together. Until one day out of the blue he txt me and said that he is going to be a dad, his ex girlfriend is pregnant. That was a huge huge slap in the face...... All i could think was wow... just wow... could things get any worse?



I met another amazing guy at the homecoming football game by total surprise. He was everything i was looking for... nice, sweet, caring, and i could go on, haha not to forget cute either. :D I thought oh yeah he is going to be the guy thats gonna love me, i can feel it. We talked for weeks, and he asked me out. Thats when i froze. And then came the gut feeling.



Why was this happening to me? I would ask myself. Because i didnt love myself! I wanted someone else to love me so then MAYBE i could love myself. I was SOOOO wrong!

Because you know what? GOD LOVES ME! Just the way i am. And he doesnt want me to change he just wants me to be me. He knows i will mess up, but he forgives. He knows i will wander far way, but yet he will lead me back to him.



I have been struggling lately finding God, but now i realize, he was always there, and he always will be. Even when things go bad, its all in his plan. And whatever he wants me to do, im gonna do it. Because his will is the best way. He puts people in my life for certain reasons, good or bad. And you know i am starting to be thankful for that. For that unconditional love.

So me searching for someone to love me will come with time, because God will bring him to me. I cant be out searching. My awesome youth minister told me, "Let God write your love story". And im gonna listen to that will all my heart, mind and soul. In 2009 God is going to be the center of my life, then i will have nothing to fear with the lord by my side.

God Bless,
Ashley

So much is happening!

Hello all!!
I am so sorry for my absence on this blog, but man life is busy.... Forgive me but I need to jump back into where I left off...

Counseling is going great, yes it is emotionally draining, but all of this stuff is something I have dealt with my entire life, so its not shocking all of the draining that is happening. What has really come out through my appointments is that there is only one true reason that these things are happening, and its because I am trying to fill a void, the void of not knowing that my dad really cared about me-and much more. I have always just tried to keep pushing through, like its no big deal, I'll just live with it and forget it, but for me, I cant seem to let it go because it is continuously effecting me in aspects of my life. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that my dad would actually take responsibility for all the things that have happened in my life and try to work on them.... but I was WAY wrong.

Out of the blue dad and I just started talking and eventually all of it just came out....How he was sorry for doing all of that stuff to me. How he was sorry that he was the reason all of these guys have done things to me, because i was searching for some validation. & It went on and on and on... It was unbelievable!!! I couldnt believe it and it truly gives me hope that my dad and my relationship will get better with time. Its like he now see's it. No matter all that mom tried to tell him back when I was little, something just clicked. Its a wonderful answer to my prayers and I could not believe that all of it was happening! He wants to be a better dad which is something that i have always wanted and I am so blessed and I thank God for his leading hand in all of this. It was to the point that I gave it all to Him and look what he did with it :)

Please keep praying, right now I find this a crucial time for my dad and I, I can only hope that things will improve!,
God Bless,
Ashley

Just Found This...

Wow.... I was looking through things I have written on my facebook page from when I first joined facebook, this is something I wrote after I broke of a negative relationship..... Look at me! :)

Things I have realized


Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 7:21pm.Hey everyone! I just thought i would talk about something that i just realized. If you believe in something then you should stand up for it and not let anyone alter what you believe. What is important to you should be important to the people around you and the people you associate yourself with. So..... be strong, be smart, and follow your heart!

Isnt it amazing how I still felt the same way, but yet it is so hard to act on it?!
This definately goes to show when my change in my faith took place!! :)
 God Bless,
Ashley
.

A Teenager's View Of Heaven

Hello All! :)
I was sent this and it truly made me think of all the things I do.... worth the read! :)
God Bless,
Ashley





17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em, " he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last.




Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.



The Moores framed a copy of Biran's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."



Brian's essay: The Room...



In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingley endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.



This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.



A file named "Friends" was next to the one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I have read, Lies I have told, comfort I have given, jokes I have laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I have done in my anger, things I have muttered under my breath at my parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.



Often there were many more cards than i expected. Sometims fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.



When I pulled out the file marked "TV shows I have watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, adn yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time i knew that file represented.



When I came to a file marked "lustful thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddreed at its detailed content.



I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One throught dominated in my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as tsteel when i tried to tear it.



Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.



And then I saw it...The title bore "People I have shared the Gospel with." The handle was brighter than those around it, seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.



And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw HIM.



No, please not HIM. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.



He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.



Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back..He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.



He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.