Where The Healing Begins

Hey all! Sorry for the leave of absence from blogging, life has been crazy busy, but so great recently!
I have been meaning to post this for a long long time but I have been having a hard time coming to terms with everything that has happened, and I am still stunned by it all. But i feel the need to type all of this out and share it with others to help others through my experience.


Over the summer I had met a guy who was 3+ years older than me. We became really close friends, texting everyday for long periods of time, talking on the phone and visiting each other. It seemed as though i was being a good friend to him, listening to his problems, the same ones day after day after day, and just letting him dump everything on me. He said he was always there for me and when i tried to talk to him about things it seemed like he really was only focused on his issues and not really caring about me. We had multiple "discussions"/arguments about these things multiple times and he would promise to change trying to make things better between us, care about me, that kind of stuff. But it was like a cycle, they never got better.

We seemed to always be arguing, and I always seemed to be frusturated with him. I cried lots and my depression got worse and worse.

The major event... that i will never forget. Is when he had changed plans with me, after i had rearranged my schedule for him AGAIN, for another girl that he was romantically interested in. I finally just gave up and told him to do what he wanted, I didnt care anymore. He called me right before i was supposed to go into work, asking if he should stop by because he was driving through my town on 94, and i told him i had to work. He responded with "Is that a No?", and i said what do you think!?! He proceeded to fly off the handle at me, cussing me out over the phone and yelling at me about how he cannot make anyone happy etc. I just sat there on the other end of the phone line sobbing, and then the call ended. I immediately called one of my best friends in tears and explained to her what had happened. She told me how wrong it was and how it wasnt okay and felt horrible for me. He beeped in on that phone conversation, so I answered it and he proceeded to "apologize" telling me how he loved me and he shouldnt of said that and yelled. I just sat on the phone line, shaking, crying and trying to listen to him. He said he was going to stop by on his way back from seeing the other girl.
He showed up at 11:15 pm at my house, while both my parents are sleeping.  Not okay, we talked out on my porch and things seemed okay, but i felt the need to pull away in this situation and the friendship.

After multiple times that I talked with my friends they would tell me how bad this was for me and all of that. So i finally emailed him because i couldnt face him, and cutting him off and being done with the friendship. He proceeded to call and text me, sobbing in his voicemails, telling me he loved me and all of this stuff.

My youth minister was concerned about me and she asked to meet up for Caribou. Through the whole story telling her all of it, i was shaking and fighting tears. She proceeded to tell me how emotionally and verbally abusive this is, along with manipulative.

We ended up having to go to meaures to get him to stop contacting me. It was a long and painful process.... I was so manipulated that through the whole thing i was worried about hurting him....

There is more to the story, details that i could not include for privacy reasons, but it goes deeper.
I want to be able to help others with my situation, but right now im still broken.... :'( I panic at any man that resembles him, or a car that looks like his.

I will be starting counseling soon to get over this situation.

Thats my story.... :(
God Bless,
Ashley

What Now?

Hey all!!

So I have been thinking lots about this and I feel the need to open myself up again, right here, right now.
Here we go!!

Lately I have been feeling.... Nothing. Let me explain...
I desire to have such an amazing relationship with Jesus, and God, but when it comes to prayer, listening or feeling his presence... I feel..again Nothing. I have been working on writing in my prayer journal nightly, praying out of a prayer book, and taking time for God but I dont feel anything. I am unsure whats wrong with me! Its driving me crazy! All I want to do is dive in deeper and deeper, go that extra mile, but I am lost on how to do that. Do you have any ideas? Suggestions? Comments? And could you please pray for me on my journey? I desire this soo bad... just to be back with Jesus and God.

Also I have been feeling down at times and I feel there is a relation between these two things. It is such a struggle I have no idea how to get past! Please help! Pray, comment, suggest, and give ideas?? Thank you so much! :)

I really needed to get that off my chest, hopefully things will look up for me and my relationship with my Maker.

God Bless,
Ashley