What I am trying to discover..

Hello All!!!

Something that i have been trying to discover through counseling is why I really never take care of myself or love me for me. I am always taking care of others, and in all honesty I'd rather do that!!! But through counseling it is really starting to change my perspective. I am starting to see that I am worth taking care of and loving, as well as letting other people love and take care of me.

My Goals that my counselor and I listed are:

1. Take Care Of Myself

• To know I have accomplished this is: That i can feel better about myself, and I dont let people walk on me anymore.

1. Love Myself for Who I am

• To know I have accomplished this is: to be able to accept compliments, and surround myself with people who truly care about me.

I cannot wait to become stronger and a more positive person! :) Please keep praying!!!
Now I want to leave you with something I wrote when I was searching for confidence and trying to show people how to be confident as well as my struggle with guys, oh goodness how young i was ;) This was from 2008 :) & dont worry, I now know I dont need a man, only one big and mighty one :)

2008


.by Ashley Walz on Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:05pm.After every year goes by things seem to get a little better. At the same time, the things that you don't think will ever happen to you do...

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

That is basically the truth. Things get tough and i catch myself wondering "What did i do to have this happen to me?!" and i tend to get upset, sad, and angry all at the same time. Honestly im not sure how to deal with it. All the things i hold up inside seem to go away, but some how, different things give me and unwanted flash back of the past.



Another thing that i have learned is that you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. It was something for awhile i didn't realize. I was going after that attention and i would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was making me feel that dating someone new all of a sudden wasn't a good thing. And you know why that is? Its because i didn't love myself. I wanted someone to fill that part of me, instead of doing it on my own. I thought i can do this.. but in the end i really couldn't i wasn't strong enough. I was so lost and so hurt. I have been the attention of a few guys in the past few months since i ended my previous relationship in the end of August. All of those guys were wonderful absolutely wonderful and i am so thankful for them.



About 2 weeks ago i was texting this guy, he was a good friend of one of my friends and she had set us up. He and I were both falling for each other and wanted to be together. Until one day out of the blue he txt me and said that he is going to be a dad, his ex girlfriend is pregnant. That was a huge huge slap in the face...... All i could think was wow... just wow... could things get any worse?



I met another amazing guy at the homecoming football game by total surprise. He was everything i was looking for... nice, sweet, caring, and i could go on, haha not to forget cute either. :D I thought oh yeah he is going to be the guy thats gonna love me, i can feel it. We talked for weeks, and he asked me out. Thats when i froze. And then came the gut feeling.



Why was this happening to me? I would ask myself. Because i didnt love myself! I wanted someone else to love me so then MAYBE i could love myself. I was SOOOO wrong!

Because you know what? GOD LOVES ME! Just the way i am. And he doesnt want me to change he just wants me to be me. He knows i will mess up, but he forgives. He knows i will wander far way, but yet he will lead me back to him.



I have been struggling lately finding God, but now i realize, he was always there, and he always will be. Even when things go bad, its all in his plan. And whatever he wants me to do, im gonna do it. Because his will is the best way. He puts people in my life for certain reasons, good or bad. And you know i am starting to be thankful for that. For that unconditional love.

So me searching for someone to love me will come with time, because God will bring him to me. I cant be out searching. My awesome youth minister told me, "Let God write your love story". And im gonna listen to that will all my heart, mind and soul. In 2009 God is going to be the center of my life, then i will have nothing to fear with the lord by my side.

God Bless,
Ashley

Could You Be A Little Clearer?!?

Hey All!

So today has not been the best day ever..... The Ex is in a new relationship after 1 month and 4 days, fantastic right?!?!? Not so much. Not getting the whole telling me he loves me a month and 4 days ago and now he is on to someone new... interesting! But all i can do right now is pray for him and this girl. Hopefully he can grow closer to Christ.

I have been working out with a trainer who is really great, plus eating healthier. So i am hoping that all pays off! :)

I have been a counselor at middle school day camp this week and it has been so great! :) Those middle schoolers rock! :)

Please pray for me as I am still going through a dry patch, trying to work my way out of it :)

Thanks all!
God Bless,
Ashley

Look Who Is Romancin' Me!

Hey all! :)

So after a few weeks of not posting much I am back :) and super pumped because I got the Droid smartphone, and can update my blog from my phone :) :) oppss... maybe i should have said that because now i might be held accountable for more updates, if i get the app working.. lol :)

I dont have much time to fully talk about the things that i have been working on in my life, but i will write more in-depth about them in the next upcoming days :) But here are the things that i am working on!
-Loving Myself For Who God Made Me To Be
-Discernment
-Livin' my Single life to the fullest
-More prayer and prayer journaling

Dont worry you will hear more about those in the upcoming days! :) But right now, since i am home from YTM i have been feeling a pull to dive deeper, and make my relationship with God and Jesus a romantic one. As noted by the Title! Haha dont worry there isnt another guy, this is about my amazing creator! :) So i will leave you with this article that i found that really spoke to me and i did pass it on to a few of my close friends who would appreciate this :)
http://www.lifeteen.com/blog/holy-romance-4-ways-you-can-start-your-romance-with-god there is the link for ya! Here is the little excerpt that i loved....

"In the meantime, God wants to romance us. He says in Hosea 2:14, “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her.” God has an adventure planned for your single years. If you are not focused on Him, you may miss the opportunity to find His blessings. Here’s 4 ways you can start your romance with God:




1.Every relationship needs communication. If you want to have a healthy relationship with God, start listening to what He wants to tell you through His word. Check out the daily mass readings on LifeTeen.com or use an outline that guides you through the Bible in one year (It’s only 4-6 pages a day).

2.Evaluate your activities and try to find hobbies that bring you closer to God. Writing poetry and keeping a journal can help you release stress in your life. Try writing what you are grateful for and your prayers intentions. In a few months, revisit them and see how God answers you.

3.There are a few things to keep in mind if you decide to date. First, ask yourself what your motives are for dating. Keep an open heart and evaluate if your romantic relationships are drawing you closer or farther away from God. Always pray and discern if God wants the relationship to lead to marriage. Knowing marriage is in the distance future, ask yourself if the relationship is a good idea for your emotional and physical purity.

4.Read books that helps strengthen your faith (ask your YM or CORE for ideas). You can find books at the Life Teen online store or check out Life Teen blogs/podcasts/videos online." This is taken from LifeTeen.com
 
What are your thoughts?
God Bless,
Ashley

2009 Milestones and Recaps

Well hello NEW YEAR! :)

Haha! Hey All! :)

Wow can you belive its 2010?!? I cant! In the spirit of the new year i think im going to so a review of 2009....(its gonna be all over the place! Be Ready!)

1. I became a Youth Board facilitator for our church youth group! :) Super cool!
2. I went to an AMAZING camp at St. Johns (The college) for 2 weeks in June. Met amazing people and just had a great time!
3. Worked on many church projects!
4. Attended muliple Lifeline masses! :)
5. NCYC! :) Kansas City! All im sayin!
6. Made great relationships with people that i would never trade for anything
7. Made God the center of my life.
8. Volunteered
9. GOT A JOB!
10. GOT MY LICENSE!
11. Had fun with my friends in the musical
12. Learned to help others.
13. Finished my Sophomore year lol :)
14. Started blogging more :) haha
15. Started researching and hearing from colleges.. :/
16. Got a debit card! haha these are big milestones for a 16 year old! :)
17. Got started in an Asthma study.
18. Hung out with friends lots!
19. Had my fair share of downs/bad things but ya know what can you do?
20. Started trying to gain back my self confidence.

Sooo there is 2009 in recap for you! :) Hoping 2010 is full of so much more!

God Bless,
Ashley

Hopefully All Smiles and Happiness

Hey all! :)

Sorry its been awhile since my last blog post, everything has gotten crazy!


There has been a lot on my heart lately and its been pretty tough to decipher what is going on with me. As some of you most likely have read in my previous posts, I have had relationship issues in the past. Even though its been almost a year and a half I cant seem to shake it. Its not the guy that I cant shake its what happened and the fear that keeps clinging to me. Anytime a guy even comes close to me I put up this wall and that’s that. Yes I am fine with guys being my friends, no problem, but at the same time I fear the feelings changing. Honestly I don’t want to fear anything!! But for some odd reason I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that just knots up and goes.. “Ashley remember when? He doesn’t really care about you. Remember your past? Do you want to relive that?” and I just want to scream SHUT-UP to that voice! I mean that was all in the past and don’t understand why this fear is still with me. I don’t get it at all. Why cant I be happy? Don’t I deserve it??

Right now I feel like I am at a stand-still. Things are flying by me and everything is happening so quickly but yet it seems as if this past week has been years. :) ahh! I know this might not make sense, haha you all know I tend to ramble! Right now all I really need is prayers, mostly prayers for my sanity! Haha just kidding! :)



I have come across a few things in the past couple days that really spoke to me….

“A good criterion for measuring your success in life is the number of people you have made happy”---- Robert J. Lumsden



“You make me smile like the sun, fall outta’ bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oooh you make me smile..”—Smile by Uncle Cracker



Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on lol whats a blog for huh?

God Bless,

Ashley