What I am trying to discover..

Hello All!!!

Something that i have been trying to discover through counseling is why I really never take care of myself or love me for me. I am always taking care of others, and in all honesty I'd rather do that!!! But through counseling it is really starting to change my perspective. I am starting to see that I am worth taking care of and loving, as well as letting other people love and take care of me.

My Goals that my counselor and I listed are:

1. Take Care Of Myself

• To know I have accomplished this is: That i can feel better about myself, and I dont let people walk on me anymore.

1. Love Myself for Who I am

• To know I have accomplished this is: to be able to accept compliments, and surround myself with people who truly care about me.

I cannot wait to become stronger and a more positive person! :) Please keep praying!!!
Now I want to leave you with something I wrote when I was searching for confidence and trying to show people how to be confident as well as my struggle with guys, oh goodness how young i was ;) This was from 2008 :) & dont worry, I now know I dont need a man, only one big and mighty one :)

2008


.by Ashley Walz on Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:05pm.After every year goes by things seem to get a little better. At the same time, the things that you don't think will ever happen to you do...

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

That is basically the truth. Things get tough and i catch myself wondering "What did i do to have this happen to me?!" and i tend to get upset, sad, and angry all at the same time. Honestly im not sure how to deal with it. All the things i hold up inside seem to go away, but some how, different things give me and unwanted flash back of the past.



Another thing that i have learned is that you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. It was something for awhile i didn't realize. I was going after that attention and i would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was making me feel that dating someone new all of a sudden wasn't a good thing. And you know why that is? Its because i didn't love myself. I wanted someone to fill that part of me, instead of doing it on my own. I thought i can do this.. but in the end i really couldn't i wasn't strong enough. I was so lost and so hurt. I have been the attention of a few guys in the past few months since i ended my previous relationship in the end of August. All of those guys were wonderful absolutely wonderful and i am so thankful for them.



About 2 weeks ago i was texting this guy, he was a good friend of one of my friends and she had set us up. He and I were both falling for each other and wanted to be together. Until one day out of the blue he txt me and said that he is going to be a dad, his ex girlfriend is pregnant. That was a huge huge slap in the face...... All i could think was wow... just wow... could things get any worse?



I met another amazing guy at the homecoming football game by total surprise. He was everything i was looking for... nice, sweet, caring, and i could go on, haha not to forget cute either. :D I thought oh yeah he is going to be the guy thats gonna love me, i can feel it. We talked for weeks, and he asked me out. Thats when i froze. And then came the gut feeling.



Why was this happening to me? I would ask myself. Because i didnt love myself! I wanted someone else to love me so then MAYBE i could love myself. I was SOOOO wrong!

Because you know what? GOD LOVES ME! Just the way i am. And he doesnt want me to change he just wants me to be me. He knows i will mess up, but he forgives. He knows i will wander far way, but yet he will lead me back to him.



I have been struggling lately finding God, but now i realize, he was always there, and he always will be. Even when things go bad, its all in his plan. And whatever he wants me to do, im gonna do it. Because his will is the best way. He puts people in my life for certain reasons, good or bad. And you know i am starting to be thankful for that. For that unconditional love.

So me searching for someone to love me will come with time, because God will bring him to me. I cant be out searching. My awesome youth minister told me, "Let God write your love story". And im gonna listen to that will all my heart, mind and soul. In 2009 God is going to be the center of my life, then i will have nothing to fear with the lord by my side.

God Bless,
Ashley

The Pain that Plagues Me..

Sorry i have been gone...life is insane.... between working 2 jobs, school, youth ministry internship, church events, family, friends, babysitting & senior year, im surprised i havent gone insane yet! :)

But tonight I feel that i need to release something to all of you, as a release for myself & my way of asking for help, making this post something that my readers can hold me accountable for-dont worry I will explain...

This blog is meant to coninside with the blog i had written a few months ago.... If you havent read it yet please read it first, it will help things make more sense. Click here to go to the page.

For a good month or so I thought I had defeated the battle within myself... like I was able to deal with the demons that followed me, and I could do it all by myself. No talking about it, No counseling, i just felt it was done and I would be fine. Time heals our wounds right? Now I look back and think...man im an idiot..
Lately I have been having dreams about "him", with him trying to contact me, and going after me. For a few nights I would wake up in tears and was/still am so afraid. Also when i was skyping with an AMAZING guy friend of mine who had no idea about the situation and saw that "he" was online and wanted to make it a 3 way chat & i flipped out at him.... Fighting tears I just repeated.."Alex no i cant, please dont, just dont, just dont." It all came flooding back and he had absolutely no idea what was going on with me and was super worried. Alex felt horrible and i ened up spilling my guts to him about the situation...he was completely taken back and felt horrible that it was something i had to deal with.

During that time and for the rest of the night I was quiet and really withdrawn... my mind just kept replaying all the events that took place over and over in my head. Thats when everything started to spin out of control, I felt like it was my fault & I didnt know what to do. Its like i was back to square one.

Now i have realized that no matter how much the pain hurts, how much failure i feel for not being able to handle this myself, no matter how embarrassed I am.... I need to make my first counseling appt...ASAP...

Please keep me in your prayers as I do this and I need to be held to it. Its hard for me to say all of this but hey, this is my outlet, and I want to thank all of my readers for their support & please keep it up.

God and I have been drifting off and on, but he is the rock i need to cling to and I know that. I just need the will and dicipline. Please keep me in your prayers about that too...

God Bless,
Ashley

Crazy Love

Hey all!

In the past few days I have had at least 4 people reccomend this book to me. So yesterday, I was in Maple Grove after my Nanny job, so I decided to run to one of my favorite stores... Barnes and Noble! :) Woot! :) And of course they had the book! So im pretty pumped right now, I am "working" so hard to try and get my spritual life back to where it was, no wait scratch that, I want it BETTER than it was :)
I am only on the first chapter of "Crazy Love" and I cant wait! :)

Have you read it? What do you think of it? Any suggestions/comments? 

Continuing with my theme of growing and loosing my heart, I had a facebook chat with my lovely Youth Minister Kym, she gave me this fantastic analogy!
"Don't worry it will go away; it's like the seasons.... you have spiritual spring (TONS of faith-filled lovin'), then summer of dry-ness, the fall of faith (a good fall cleaning of your sins/great reconciling times with God), and then there's frozen tundra of doom (aka minnesota OR when it's a of questioning/uncertainity)..."- Oh Kym you rock! Thanks for always being there for me! Haha and after that MN comment can you tell she isnt from here??! haha :)

God Bless!
Ashley