What I am trying to discover..

Hello All!!!

Something that i have been trying to discover through counseling is why I really never take care of myself or love me for me. I am always taking care of others, and in all honesty I'd rather do that!!! But through counseling it is really starting to change my perspective. I am starting to see that I am worth taking care of and loving, as well as letting other people love and take care of me.

My Goals that my counselor and I listed are:

1. Take Care Of Myself

• To know I have accomplished this is: That i can feel better about myself, and I dont let people walk on me anymore.

1. Love Myself for Who I am

• To know I have accomplished this is: to be able to accept compliments, and surround myself with people who truly care about me.

I cannot wait to become stronger and a more positive person! :) Please keep praying!!!
Now I want to leave you with something I wrote when I was searching for confidence and trying to show people how to be confident as well as my struggle with guys, oh goodness how young i was ;) This was from 2008 :) & dont worry, I now know I dont need a man, only one big and mighty one :)

2008


.by Ashley Walz on Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:05pm.After every year goes by things seem to get a little better. At the same time, the things that you don't think will ever happen to you do...

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

That is basically the truth. Things get tough and i catch myself wondering "What did i do to have this happen to me?!" and i tend to get upset, sad, and angry all at the same time. Honestly im not sure how to deal with it. All the things i hold up inside seem to go away, but some how, different things give me and unwanted flash back of the past.



Another thing that i have learned is that you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. It was something for awhile i didn't realize. I was going after that attention and i would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was making me feel that dating someone new all of a sudden wasn't a good thing. And you know why that is? Its because i didn't love myself. I wanted someone to fill that part of me, instead of doing it on my own. I thought i can do this.. but in the end i really couldn't i wasn't strong enough. I was so lost and so hurt. I have been the attention of a few guys in the past few months since i ended my previous relationship in the end of August. All of those guys were wonderful absolutely wonderful and i am so thankful for them.



About 2 weeks ago i was texting this guy, he was a good friend of one of my friends and she had set us up. He and I were both falling for each other and wanted to be together. Until one day out of the blue he txt me and said that he is going to be a dad, his ex girlfriend is pregnant. That was a huge huge slap in the face...... All i could think was wow... just wow... could things get any worse?



I met another amazing guy at the homecoming football game by total surprise. He was everything i was looking for... nice, sweet, caring, and i could go on, haha not to forget cute either. :D I thought oh yeah he is going to be the guy thats gonna love me, i can feel it. We talked for weeks, and he asked me out. Thats when i froze. And then came the gut feeling.



Why was this happening to me? I would ask myself. Because i didnt love myself! I wanted someone else to love me so then MAYBE i could love myself. I was SOOOO wrong!

Because you know what? GOD LOVES ME! Just the way i am. And he doesnt want me to change he just wants me to be me. He knows i will mess up, but he forgives. He knows i will wander far way, but yet he will lead me back to him.



I have been struggling lately finding God, but now i realize, he was always there, and he always will be. Even when things go bad, its all in his plan. And whatever he wants me to do, im gonna do it. Because his will is the best way. He puts people in my life for certain reasons, good or bad. And you know i am starting to be thankful for that. For that unconditional love.

So me searching for someone to love me will come with time, because God will bring him to me. I cant be out searching. My awesome youth minister told me, "Let God write your love story". And im gonna listen to that will all my heart, mind and soul. In 2009 God is going to be the center of my life, then i will have nothing to fear with the lord by my side.

God Bless,
Ashley

So much is happening!

Hello all!!
I am so sorry for my absence on this blog, but man life is busy.... Forgive me but I need to jump back into where I left off...

Counseling is going great, yes it is emotionally draining, but all of this stuff is something I have dealt with my entire life, so its not shocking all of the draining that is happening. What has really come out through my appointments is that there is only one true reason that these things are happening, and its because I am trying to fill a void, the void of not knowing that my dad really cared about me-and much more. I have always just tried to keep pushing through, like its no big deal, I'll just live with it and forget it, but for me, I cant seem to let it go because it is continuously effecting me in aspects of my life. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that my dad would actually take responsibility for all the things that have happened in my life and try to work on them.... but I was WAY wrong.

Out of the blue dad and I just started talking and eventually all of it just came out....How he was sorry for doing all of that stuff to me. How he was sorry that he was the reason all of these guys have done things to me, because i was searching for some validation. & It went on and on and on... It was unbelievable!!! I couldnt believe it and it truly gives me hope that my dad and my relationship will get better with time. Its like he now see's it. No matter all that mom tried to tell him back when I was little, something just clicked. Its a wonderful answer to my prayers and I could not believe that all of it was happening! He wants to be a better dad which is something that i have always wanted and I am so blessed and I thank God for his leading hand in all of this. It was to the point that I gave it all to Him and look what he did with it :)

Please keep praying, right now I find this a crucial time for my dad and I, I can only hope that things will improve!,
God Bless,
Ashley

Just Found This...

Wow.... I was looking through things I have written on my facebook page from when I first joined facebook, this is something I wrote after I broke of a negative relationship..... Look at me! :)

Things I have realized


Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 7:21pm.Hey everyone! I just thought i would talk about something that i just realized. If you believe in something then you should stand up for it and not let anyone alter what you believe. What is important to you should be important to the people around you and the people you associate yourself with. So..... be strong, be smart, and follow your heart!

Isnt it amazing how I still felt the same way, but yet it is so hard to act on it?!
This definately goes to show when my change in my faith took place!! :)
 God Bless,
Ashley
.